June 29, 2016

She's a Fighter

I think there's a weird phenomenon that people on social media aren't "real". Maybe it's because of the Hollywood mentality, because we feel so far away from celebrities it naturally progresses into anyone we come into contact with on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, etc.

Well, SURPRISE! We're real - haha sorry to disappoint ;)

What we DO have more of are the vocal "haters". Let's call them like they are - TROLLS. And in case I haven't been CRYSTAL CLEAR about how I feel about you "keyboard warriors" out there, let me say it once and for all...


I have had my my FAIR SHARE of the kind of bullshit that these people put out into the world. These are the people who are so miserable with their own lives, that they will find any and every avenue they can to hurt as MANY people as they possibly can. Hurt people, hurt people. I get it. My degree is in Sociology, I get how people work and function in society. Understanding it doesn't make it ok.

The trolls who specifically focus on body shaming are probably the worst of all. I've had the typical "hate" messages before. The ones that are simply attacking what I do and how I do it. I've had those A LOT. Mainly because people don't want to understand that a plus size health and fitness coach CAN and WILL be a LEGIT thing. #anotherstoryforanothertime

But, this.. this was different. This was personal. Very personal. It wasn't just attacking in generalities. It was very specific. Very intentional. Very damaging.

By the time I caught it, it had already been on Facebook for over an hour. Only God knows how many people saw it. My heart SUNK. Immediately my mind went into PR mode and I took a screen shot and banned the user from my page, which deleted her comment. Then I froze. "What do I do? How could someone say this? Who the hell is this person?? Should I message them and rip them a new one? Who should I tell? WHAT DO I DO?? HOW COULD SOMEONE DO THIS TO ME?!?" My mind was shutting down and running at a million miles an hour all at the same time.


Let's back up for a minute. Maybe you're new here or you aren't 100% up to date on my whole journey and what's been going on with me this year. #storytime

In January 2016 I was getting ready to travel to LA for the Beachbody New Leaders Conference. About 2 days before I left, I started having a lot of pain in my breast. It was worse than anything I'd experienced before but my doctor couldn't see me until after my trip and it seemed manageable with OTC meds. So, I went. While I was there, I started having this weird skin reaction. I thought it was a reaction to the detergent in the sheets or maybe something I came into contact with in the airports or airplanes. 

Each passing week this weird reaction keeps disappearing and reappearing. No rhyme or reason. My doctor sees me, orders a TON of tests - words like cancer, brain tumor and numerous other things were thrown out there. Over the next 6 weeks I spent more time than I want to admit in doctors offices or the ER - having blood drawn, mammograms as a 28 year old, xrays, CT scans, ultrasounds, pain meds, steroids, antibiotics.. 

I'm 28. I'm a wife. I'm a mom of two LITTLE {4 and 3} kids. How could this be happening?

Up until this point, we knew I had PCOS. That was it. Everything else was always normal.

Then suddenly we're looking at autoimmune disease, PCOS, hypothyroid, numerous viruses, adrenal fatigue, chronic idiopathic urticaria {chronic hives >> skin reaction from earlier}... the list went on. We are STILL in the fight to understand what all is going on and why it's happening. I have more appointments and tests next week actually.

It's been a long road. A LONG road. The hardest six months of my life, hands down. Trying to balance not only what all of these things mean, but how they effect me and how I can learn to live with them. What triggers them. What helps. Some days it feels like a nightmare and I just want to stay in bed, all day. But, then I hear, usually distantly, God calling me. "I've got you. I'm not going to let you go." #allthepraisehands

Enter in what I just shared on my blog earlier this week >> We're doing the Beachbody Ultimate Reset! This is the best case scenario to help my body heal and repair what can be done at a cellular level before moving forward.

June was a weird month for me. I felt Satan around me almost constantly. Turmoil. Struggle. Pain. Business issues. I'm strong enough in my faith to know that Jesus is writing my life, bigger than I can see, even for little ol' me. I lean on that a lot. Many, many times a day actually haha

Then when all of this body shaming unfolded today, quickly and powerfully, I immediately questioned God's plan and hand in this. #hiimhuman

"I may not know your plan. But I'm safe here in your hands. God I know you've got BIG plans for me."

Then this happened.


My friend and coach posted this {if you haven't seen it yet}. I was clueless. I had turned my phone off and stepped away for a few hours after making my own short, STFU trolls post on my page. I needed to breathe, cry and try and step back and see what God was doing here. Because it sure felt like He was letting Satan have a field day all over my spirit.

Then the most beautiful interwoven story that ONLY God could write suddenly starts to unfold right before me.

Candace Payne (Chewbacca Mom) goes LIVE on Facebook with Christian artist, Jamie Grace SPECIFICALLY talking about Jamie's song FROM 2014 "Fighter". Here's the lyrics - "She's a fighter. Got that fire. When they thought she'd fade away. Throws up a fist up, as she gets up, feeling stronger every day. When she gets down on her knees, she finds the courage to believe. She's a fighter. She's a fighter - who inspires me."


I had to let that one sink in for a minute. God ALWAYS speaks to me through music. ALWAYS. That's how he grabs my heart back before my walls go up. Every. Single. Time.

Then in the midst of my crazy inbox and notifications, one of my sweet friends sends me this <3


"Reject the words but embrace the attack - Satan doesn't attack people that are doing nothing.." This one literally felt like God sent me an angel in the form of a friend I have a special friendship with even though we've never even met in person. #itsaGodthing

By this time I started checking my Facebook and all my notifications from the posts that had gone up hours before. Hundreds of comments, messages, shares.. The sheer outpouring of love is something only God could have a hand in. COUNTLESS comments, full of encouragement, building my spirit back up - from people I know, some I don't, coaches who don't know me and others who do. Coaches who are on our team and some coaches who are at the top of our network and I didn't even know they knew who I was! haha Then the mamba-jama was the CEO of Beachbody, Carl Daikeler commented and blew us all out of the water. #PREACH {FIND YOUR TRIBE AND LOVE THEM HARD - This is literally the BEST example of how INCREDIBLE my tribe is.}



and last but not least, I see Lysa TerKeurst post this status tonight <3




It's unbelievable. To sit back and see a COMMUNITY of people rally together for something SO much bigger than any of us. We have the direct calling and responsibility to LOVE PEOPLE through their struggles in life, health and fitness and for me, being the hands and feet of Jesus. Showing people that we get the privilege to take the tools God has given us, love ourselves WELL so that we can love HIM and others the absolute BEST way we can.

Was a broken for a moment today? Yes. Shattered.
Was I restored through the faithfulness, encouragement and LOVE of others? Yes. Wholly.

There are no words to thank each of you for your incredible outpour of messages and comments. My life has been forever changed by this company, but my heart has a distinct mark from this whole experience, in the BEST way possible.

I'm a fighter. Little ol' me has A LOT to do to help fix this hurting world. It won't be easy, but I won't ask why because I've made up my mind. We're gonna do life BIG, friends. We have to FIGHT problems, not just wait for them to happen <3
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4 comments

  1. Oh my goodness, Payton! So beautifully written. I'm sitting here in tears reading this! You are AMAZING and such an inspiration! <3

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  2. Now, I have even a better understanding of why you were so concerned about my son and how you shared your heart! <3 You are officially awesome! <3

    Jeanette

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